On the Brink of a Cold and Needing to Vent

Since my chiropractor has bolstered my immune system, I haven't broken out in a cold this season yet! And it's already almost January. This is definite proof he's doing something good.

But today, I've been battling sniffles and almost sneezed on someone's hoodie in the train. I tried so hard to hold it all in because I didn't want to be that person.

Maybe it's because I'm not feeling well, but I just had to vent. I hate when people do all of these things for others and then make people feel bad that they aren't doing as much in return. If you're going to give, do it because you want to give and not because you expect other people to give back. If you're going to give things and then wind up making people feel bad about it, then don't give it in the first place because then it's not really for them, but it's for you. You need to feel special! You can't earn people's affections! Ah. Sigh.

What do you do in return when someone does this type of thing? Yes, give back, but something feels off about giving back to appease them. Because then they won't even know if you gave out of obligation or they might use these things as a measure of some sort, which is scary!

I don't want to get caught up in this, but if presents is what makes people feel affirmed, then presents are what I'll give.

Mourning and protecting my song

I'll forever sing, I will always carry a tune within myself. Even as I study and as time passes and as I go wherever my feet carry me. It'll always be a part of me albeit even if it is to remain personal and unleashed unto its full potential. I'll forever sing.

We Need Faith to Keep Relationships

Things get messier the closer you get to people. As an idealist, it will always be vulnerable thing for me to face. I realize we can't make lasting and secure bonds with sheer natural strength. My identity will never be in the successes or failures within a relationship. Rather I must reframe my thinking to have faith and help others walk in faith as well. That way I can rest in the abundance of God's love, which it all flows from in the first place.

Happiness is Serving

In my daily decisions and long term path I realized everything I do is to serve or prepare to serve others. I go to work in order to support myself while I attend school. I'm going to school to be educated in helping others. One day I'll get a job in helping others. While I'm on this path I try to use what spare time, energy and talents I have to serve others.

The selfish part of me would think this is a waste of my time. The ultimate lifestyle would be to amass wealth and comfort and use my time for fun and relaxation.

But living solely for myself wouldn't be the most fulfilling. Actually, expanding my focus and making an impact in the lives of others would ultimately be the most satistfying for me.

There are others who know that to be truly happy is to serve: "I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve" (Albert Schweitzer).

And as Martin Luther King, Jr. once paraphrased and universalized a biblical concept so well, "Everyone can be great, because anyone can serve."

I hope to find my place in serving and be truly happy doing it.

Proper Timing

I'm hard on myself when it comes to not doing all the things I want to do. This is ironic because this is usually a characteristic of someone who actually gets a lot of things done, which I do not. Either I have unrealistic goals or I am constantly underperforming.

But facing my own inner taskmaster, I must justify these past few years by looking outside of myself objectively.

I had postponed pursuing a potential career option and instead took a stab at a passion of mine for a few years outside of work. Though I learned a lot it didn't take off like I had hoped. Rather, it was a rocky road and there were some casualties because of my immaturity in the role and I had to end it. There were times I felt I failed, wasted my time and lost my chances of pursuing my dreams.

Then I took a year to do some volunteer work to try out another area of interest which brought me to applying to school to pursue my original career option.

I don't regret trying out my passion even though it took years to work up to and then fizzle out. And I know I can't blame myself for ending it when it wasn't working out because I tried my hardest and was as faithful as I could be while I was in it.

I still have dreams for that passion of mine but I wonder when it will happen and how it will happen since I have taken another route and since my first attempt was not lasting.

They say in relationships that it has to be the right person and the right time for it to work out. Sometimes you find the right person but you can't force things because it's just not the right timing.

This passion of mine keeps coming up. Perhaps it is the right thing for me but not the right time. Maybe it will converge with my new career focus or even replace it completely in the future. I'll have to wait and see and keep walking.

Put in your 10,000 hours

I can't even calculate how many days months or years that would amount to. They say those that succeed are not the ones with sheer talent but are those that put in hours of focused practice to become good at something. Good thing for me, this can be spread out over time!

Okay, I just did the math for an activity done let's say for 40 hours a week. At that rate you can reach 10,000 hours in almost 5 years.

That means if I devote 10 hours a week to something (if I can even fit that outside of work and school), I'll be great at it in 20 years. Sigh, life is short!

Reasons for my title

I'm very much an INFP according to the Myers Briggs typology. Thus, getting lost in my thoughts and abstractions on life is typical. Fun fact: most writers are INFP's.

I swear I must have had linguistic developmental issues growing up because every pause I make when I speak indicates slow word retrieval in my brain. It can be frustrating at times. People must wait for my thoughts to be...expressed. Thanks for your patience people.

I'm in a period of waiting. Waiting for something within me to respond to something outside of me in a more than superficial interest. Whether it's in work, the arts, laughs or relationships I'm still waiting for my life to be filled and expressed in the way it was created for. I'm waiting for a vision for my life. I'm waiting to grow in love for this world and find my place in it.

But as each day turns ever so speedily, I must keep walking as I wait for my thoughts to be changed.